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Let Pain Do It’s Perfect Work

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Do you try to avoid pain, sadness, or discouragement? There's a better way. God tells us to mourn and weep, to let it grow us through the hard times. We live in a society that does it’s utmost to avoid pain.  We are told to “be happy,” “put a smile on your face,” and “grab a Coke, Starbucks, or Budweiser.”  You name it, there’s a slogan or a product to keep us feeling anything other than pain, sadness, or discouragement.

Yet, all we need are the Scriptures to see that God has other plans for us.  In James 4:9, we are told to mourn and weep.  This sounds like depressing advice, but Ellicott’s commentary reminds us that “For wretchedness, sorrow, and tears are the three steps of the homeward way to peace and God.”   It appears God wants us to know we have a better future than what presents itself today.  There is a better way.  We could be better people if we would only let God and the circumstances He allows into our lives do their work.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.   Matthew 5:4

My father died November 4, 2015.  It was a day that will be forever etched in my memory.  The man who was responsible for my very being is gone.  One of only a few persons who truly care about my life is no longer in my life.

As I was talking about my experience with some friends, they shared about how our society keeps death and sickness at bay; we clean up the messiness and anguish of death, confining it to hospitals and nursing homes.  We don’t allow it to do its work in the human soul.

I am a better, stronger person for having helped my Dad from this world into his spiritual spot in Heaven.   It was messy and painful and not a pretty picture.  Yet, I believe I grew a much deeper perspective of what it means to live, develop the spiritual part of our life (souls), and to leave this earth, our physical existence.

Most people in this world believe this is their only existence.  Their souls are empty spaces, void of life, not nurtured to know the living God.  They are hollow, empty shells of what they could be and devoid of the great work they could do for God.  Our soul and its future is the reason for our existence.  Not to have a house with the white picket fence, or a bazillion kids (or even just 1.8), or a six-figure income (and a perfect figure!), or a summer home.  Nope.  We are sold this bill of goods as the American dream; but the only true source of life and future is in God’s plan, in Christ alone.

But somehow, someway, we must relish in this untidy, temporary life we have in order to understand the permanent, the eternal side of it.  Take time today to think of what distracts you from the “real” of life, from the messy, human part that was designed to cause us to truly consider that without God, we are nothing but dust!

Let God do His work and enter into the uncomfortable parts of life and death; don’t be afraid to feel and learn what is needed to grow deeper with Him.  See the value of your soul, not cast it away to be worried about another day.  God gave us our souls to be lived in eternity with Him.

Thank you, God for giving us eternity and for sending your Son to show the way!

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‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’   Isaiah 41:10
But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope.   1 Thessalonians 4:13

 

Accepting The Season of Menopause

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Live, Love, Laugh

A Variety of Suffering

I was asked to write on suffering for a friend’s blog.  You might think it a bit odd that I would choose to write about menopause.

There is the intense suffering that comes from the loss of a loved one, such as a parent, child, or spouse.  I don’t think anything compares to that type of suffering.  But, changes in life such as menopause, and the infertility that comes alongside this physical phenomena, result in their own form of pain and affliction.   They result in another type of finality.

Each ‘ending’ in our life, whether it be a person or a season, is used by God for His perfect result.  We go through periods of suffering that are completely varied in appearance and severity.  Some are intense and painful, while others are slow and steady.  And those who are in menopause can certainly attest to the confusion, pain, and mixed emotions that accompany this change, along with the knowledge that their childbearing years are over.

A Long Season of Change

I won’t belabor the point by sharing the minute details of my pre and post menopause, but suffice it to say, it’s been a long, long season!  It’s been over ten years since I began feeling the symptoms such as hot flashes, irregular cycles, confused thinking, and miscarriages.  Although I’ve been completely in menopause (no menstrual cycles) for over three years, I still suffer from hot flashes and diminished cognitive processes.  Yep, it’s been a long haul.  And it feels even longer when I’ve had friends who speed through it in a year or so, with little or no symptoms!  But we are each different and must accept what ‘the change’ will mean to us!

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—A time to give birth and a time to die…..

I have seen that nothing is better than that man should be happy in his activities, for that is his lot. For who will bring him to see what will occur after him?                                    Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 22

Baby on Towels

The Real Trial

Now this little synopsis of my physical life in my forties and fifties is just the tip of the iceberg of what I’m writing about!  The real trial for me in dealing with menopause has been the adjustment to not being able to bear more children.  Now, for some of you, those days of hoping to have a little reprieve from the demands of pregnancy, sleepless nights, and ‘baby fat’ may seem too far off to even hope for.  But believe me, that time comes, oh, so quickly and before you know it, there are no more babies to cuddle; no more sweet-smelling newborns to hear squirming next to you in the middle of the night.  Yes, I know, we still have our snoring husbands, but somehow that’s just not the same!

Those who are ‘moms of many’ will understand me when I say, ”It’s just who we’ve become.”  It’s where we’re most comfortable, and we’ve come to love and cherish having little ones under foot, not to mention, in our arms.  And now those arms are mostly empty, and the ache is felt rather strongly some days.  It’s like an addiction to being truly needed.  And I relished it!

My youngest is going on eleven as I write this.  So for several years I’ve had the adjustment of not being needed like I used to be.  I don’t wake to a hungry baby, or hear a toddler crying for momma, or even a little one calling out “wipe me!”  My children mostly can take care of themselves, but praise God for my younger crew.  Without them, I think I’d go crazy without their hugs and ‘show-and-tells’!

I know, I know – you all are thinking my “diminished cognitive processes” are catching up with me!  That I’ve forgotten how much work these little ones create.  Oh, I do remember, each and every time my grandchildren come to visit!  But this ‘not-being-needed thing’ is enough to wipe out any harried memory of those busy, busy times!  I really do miss it.

 

Expectant Mother Silhouette

Transition and Change

The good Lord blessed me with nine healthy pregnancies and births before my first miscarriage.  That was the first sign of what was to come.  I was blessed to deliver my last son before I had two more miscarriages.  This ended my fertile years, and it was a blow to my picture of life as I knew it.   I view these years as the easing out of my old role.

I was a busy mother.  I was pregnant every two years.  I was usually nursing a babe.  I was needed to orchestrate the chaos of a family of twelve.  I was living in a house full of little children, all in the differing stages of growth and development.  I was……but that was only for a season.  A new season was on the horizon.

This set the stage for a need to discover my new identity, my new ‘place’ in this world.  The ‘new’ Terry.  The me who didn’t have a baby on her hip.  Or who didn’t need to store maternity clothes or nursing pads for next year :).  Someone who could go out with her husband and not worry about when the next nursing was due.  Someone who wasn’t needed all the time!

Again, I know most of you are thinking, “This woman is crazy!”  But I’m for real.  And I know others are feeling or will feel what I am writing here.  Change is hard.  And change after twenty five years is even harder.  Now I understand what a man must feel when he retires.  It’s the rediscovery of who we are in our new environment.

The Menopause Journey

So this has been my journey in the last five years.  One of discovery.  Finding myself in new territory.  Adjusting to the new role of being a Grandmomma.  It hasn’t been a smooth transition, and it’s taken time.  But I’m beginning to love it!

I have more time on my hands, and yet less at the same time.  When children grow up and begin to leave home, time is not your own anymore.  Your schedule as a support person and grandmother is decreed by their days off work, their pregnancies, and their schedules.  Flexibility is key.

Yes, flexibility was needed when my own little ones were underfoot, and yet, I led the pack.  I decided what we did and when we did it.  That is not the case anymore.  Somehow I must balance my needs, along with managing our own home, all the while keeping my older children’s and their family’s schedules and needs important.  So I have more time, yet I have less time.  Maybe it’s that I have less choice.  I can’t run the show like I used to.  And for all points, that’s a very good thing.

And come to think of it – God used my many children to humble me.  (Well, okay – I’ll insert a caveat for my children’s benefit – I was still pretty proud!)  And He is using these menopausal, non-fertile years to humble me and keep me pliable.  He does use everything to bend our knee, doesn’t He?!

 

Grandchildren!

Reaping The Benefits of Menopause

So what has this season of suffering through menopause reaped in my life?  –

  • I’m learning all sorts of new character, like patience, humility, flexibility, loving-kindness, generosity, and more.
  • I’m finding that my walk with God is purer and less entangled.
  • I can’t cover my weaknesses with my busyness and micro-managing.
  • I’m learning to lean on God more and my family less.
  • And I see that God in His infinite wisdom has laid out a plan for life that weaves a beautiful tapestry out of all the stages of our lives!

I now see that although I’m not needed for those runny noses and scraped knees (although my ten year old is testing me on that one!)  yet, I am still needed.  Just in different ways.  I’m still needed to encourage my older children in their marriages and parenting.  I’m still needed to offer tips that I’ve learned over the years, and share my failures with them in the hopes they can avoid those same mistakes.  I’m still needed to be there to simply lighten their load.

No, I no longer have my own babies to snuggle with at night – but when my kids visit, they’re so kind as to send their little ones in to see Granddad and Grandmomma – and we get the joy of snuggles again!   So the finality of menopause and the end of childbearing is quiet an adjustment.  But it is also the beginning of a new season of growth – and we can trust God through it all!

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There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—A time to give birth and a time to die…….I have seen that nothing is better than that man should be happy in his activities, for that is his lot. For who will bring him to see what will occur after him?                                    Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 22

 

Lessons From the House of Mourning

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We lost our family dog this week.  Now, we’re not the kind of family that treats our animals like humans, but it’s amazing how these creatures weave themselves into our lives.  

And through this loss of one of God’s creatures, God has revealed His faithfulness.  He uses all of life’s circumstances to teach us and bring light to His Word, over and over again. 

This isn’t just about a family pet, so read on to see how God weaves a beautiful lesson!

Labelle – was a loyal part of our family for nine years – was given to us by a dear friend (thanks, Susan!) – was a guide-dog flunkie (a great place to find a great dog – Guide Dogs for the Blind) – and she actually saved our daughter’s life many years ago.  She was strong and healthy, but through a misunderstanding with our neighbor who was caring for our animals, she was hit by a car while we were away on a trip.  God always has new lessons in forgiveness and responsibility for us!

The loss of an animal, be it a cat or dog, goat or fish, is never as traumatic as losing a person in our lives.   Yet, it is as if God gives us these animal friends and the experience of losing them, as practice for the real thing – for the time when it will be a beloved person: a husband, wife, child, parent, friend.

I began reading Ecclesiastes this week and a verse that has often confused me in the past was given new meaning.

It is better to go to a house of mourning
Than to go to a house of feasting,
Because that is the end of every man,
And the living takes it to heart.

                                                       Ecclesiastes 7:2

New revelation comes as we teach and explain things to others, and again, this held true as I shared this chapter with my family.

  • Feeling the pain of loss brings us into “the house of mourning”.
  • Experiencing the reality of the brevity of life and the permanency of death paints us into the picture of “the end of every man.”
  • This experience truly causes us to “take it to heart,” to ponder our life.

God’s Amazing Timing

It always amazes me how God puts circumstances in our lives that blend and connect in the perfect timing and manner so as to teach us His ways.  Our dog died while we were on vacation to visit my husband’s mother who is 78, and my parents who are in their mid 80’s.  During our trip, we listened to a Highland Ministries Basement Tape by R.C. Sproul, Jr. about the recent death of his dear wife, Denise.  All of these experiences in a very short amount of time add up to a clear picture of the brevity of life.  This truly does cause us to “take it to heart”, to consider our ways, to ponder our life, our future, our purpose.

Coming to the end of a lifetime with my parents, hearing of others who suffer loss of a loved one, and even the simple death of our dog heighten my awareness of the importance of relationships.  So, relationships will be my topic in a series of posts this month.

Please come and share with me, this human life we live, along with the people (and even animals) that God puts in it for our good.  It’s all for our good!  The pain, the joy, the pleasure, the pain.  He uses it all for our growth and to reveal Himself to us.  Let us glorify Him during this life He has given us.  Let us relish in the relationships He gives us, for He is the author of relationships!

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For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:  

A time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance….  

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4


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